Because It's Me I Fear
by Dark Glass Marionette
Summary: When Yukio's demonic powers see the light, so do his doubts and tribulations. Rin is determined to find out what troubles him, even if he has to tear down those protective walls Yukio has set around himself. / Rated T just in case. No pairings.


**A/N: **More fanfics for you guys to enjoy! I love writing in this category, honestly.

Though this is a kinda darker than the other stuff I've written. The origins of this short fanfic are angsty, and rightfully so. I came up with the idea yesterday after reading the Kyoto Arc again and realizing how messed up Yukio is. No, honestly, you all know the guy is an emotional wreck, but I did a bit of 'digging' into Yukio's character... and even I'm scared with what I came up with. Especially if you consider what that creepy bastard Toudou told him during their encounters. Anyway, this is basically a bit of a cathartic (I love that word and its relatives; can't help it) moment for Yukio and witnessed through Rin's eyes.

Angsty brotherly relationship is served here, so enjoy. Again, post-Kyoto Arc.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Blue Exorcist/Ao no Exorcist; Kazue Katou does.**

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Because It's Me I Fear

_x-x_

It had happened, and nobody had been able to stop it.

Yukio's demonic powers had awakened, and his true nature with them.

A Skjálf, the demon he and the Exwires had battled against, had been the perfect catalyst for this manifestation. As was expected from its skills in planting the seeds of discord within a person, the Skjálf had wormed its way into Yukio's heart and had brought to light every doubt, fear and woe he had harbored. Not even his iron will and levelheadedness had been enough to fend the demon's tricks and malicious words and so, at the sight of seeing his soul being read like an open book, Yukio had openly expressed his fear and hesitation. The Skjálf had been able to get away unharmed, even with Shiemi and Suguro's efforts at stopping it.

Rin had borne witness to it all. He had watched his brother fall to his knees, eyes wide open, and shaking his head while on the verge of tears. Rin had tried to console Yukio, to soothe his pain and get rid of his tribulations, but the younger sibling had pushed him away; in this bout of rage, blue flames had engulfed Yukio's body. That's when Rin saw all his wishes thrown out the window.

And even now, as he stared at Yukio in shock and anguish, Rin still couldn't believe that it had happened. Ever since he had drawn the _Kurikara_ and awakened his own powers, Rin had wished that nothing similar would happen to Yukio and that Fujimoto's words about Yukio not being strong enough to turn into a demon were true. It had all turned out to be wishful thinking, in the end.

Rin took another step toward his brother, determined to bring him out of the trance he had fallen into.

"Stay away from me!" Yukio bellowed, adopting a defensive stance. "Don't get anywhere near me!"

"What's going on, Yukio? Why have you- no, why are you pushing me away now that you have your demonic powers?" Rin inquired almost as loudly. "I'm your brother, you stupid Four-Eyes! I'm supposed to help you!"

"No, no, NO! That's enough help!"

"Yukio-!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Yukio's flames violently flared up with more strength than Rin on his greatest moment of anger.

_Anger._

And then things started to make sense. Rin could be thankful he shared such a bond with Yukio, or else he would not have understood right away. For once, he decided not to jump the gun and keep on searching for a way to get past Yukio's wall of fury and reach the source of his troubles.

Rin realized that the flames were threatening to burn Shiemi and the others, and that this time those flames could actually kill them. Understanding this, they quickly regrouped behind Suguro and Konekomaru, who activated a barrier large enough to protect them all. Relief coursing through him, Rin nodded to Suguro, then focused back on his brother. Though the flames had calmed down, Yukio had not. Rin was starting to fear that Yukio would go out of control, just like he'd been afraid of _himself_ so many times in the past.

"Yukio, you can't control your flames without help or practice! _You_ yourself told _me_! Just stop being such an idiot and listen to me! YUKIO!"

But he didn't seem to be listening. Rin wasn't going to be deterred by Yukio's behavior, so he determinedly approached him, not breaking eye contact. No matter what his little brother said, Rin wouldn't leave him aside, and he certainly wouldn't obey an order as stupid as 'Stay away'. Yukio's eyes gradually widened in fear as Rin got closer, something which greatly unsettled the latter. He remained silent nonetheless, allowing the situation to develop on its own.

That fear quickly morphed into cold resolve and, once more, anger. In the blink of an eye, Rin found himself looking at the muzzle of Yukio's gun, which was trained on and barely touching Rin's forehead. A light pang of panic struck Rin's heart.

"Yukio, what are you doing? Are you going to kill me?"

Rin knew he was giving Yukio very bad ideas, but it was also the only way to reason with him now: making daring suggestions.

"I could do it," Yukio finally said, "but I would regret it later, so don't tempt me."

A shiver ran down Rin's spine. Yukio could sometimes be cold to him, but his tone now was icy beyond description; even his eyes were unusually emotionless. That empty stare rattled Rin, and the first impulse that came to him was that of punching Yukio with every ounce of his strength.

Rin measured his next words with a teaspoon. "If this is about something I've done, then I-"

Yukio scowled, his grip on his gun tightening. "Why do you think it's always about YOU!" he snapped. "Give me one good reason why you think the world revolves around you!"

"What the hell...? Yukio, are you even listening to yourself?" argued Rin, almost floored. "If you were looking for attention, congratulations, because you got it! This is about you now, dumbass; even with those glasses of yours you can't see it? It's practically in front of your face! You're my main worry now, but you're so stubborn you think you don't need any help, Mr. Heart Made of Stone!" Rin swiftly slapped Yukio's gun out of his hand. "What's your problem?"

"YOU are my problem!"

Rin froze in his spot, dumbstruck. They stared at one another, both of them wide-eyed. Yukio was the first to regain his composure and the first one to continue arguing. "You! It's always been you, Nii-san! Ever since we were little, it's been you, and even more after you unsealed your powers!" Then, to Rin's surprise, Yukio started backing away while hastily shaking his head. "No... no, this isn't how I'm supposed to -unh!- fix things!"

Despair was taking over Yukio. Before Rin could do anything, Yukio threw his head back and released a yell that shook Rin to his very core. There was nothing but the deepest agony and misery in his brother's scream, and it was because of that that Rin lost his composure: he strode over to Yukio and pulled him into a tight embrace. Yukio's flames felt like a thousand lances piercing his body and the heat was unbearable, but Rin couldn't care any less: as long as that calmed Yukio down, everything was worth it.

"That's enough, Yukio!" Rin said, his voice cracking. "That's enough, please."

But Yukio was now _fighting_ to get Rin off of him with aggressiveness never before seen in him and though Rin wasn't willing to let go, he was eventually forced to by the strength Yukio was putting into his endeavor. Both siblings stumbled backwards, Rin being the first to recover. Yukio suddenly took a few steps toward Rin, but then stopped midway, as if unsure of what to say or do. Rin took the chance to say one more thing.

"Let it out." Seeing that he had struck a nerve in Yukio, whose eyes had widened once more, Rin continued speaking, "Come on, let it all out if that's what you want! All of it, Yukio, ALL OF IT! Let it out, goddamnit!"

Yukio pulled out his remaining gun and again trained it on Rin.

"All of it? All of it, you say?" he echoed, breathing heavily. "I don't have ANY words to say but these: I HATE the two of us! You for being who and how you are, for taking father away from us, for being better than me, for just EXISTING! And me..." The flames engulfing Yukio gradually died out. Tears welled up in his eyes, and then they fell endlessly. In spite of all this, Yukio kept a steady voice. "I hate myself for being the weak child I've always been! You were constantly protecting me when we were kids, and I became an Exorcist to make it up to you and protect _you_! But then I realized what being an Exorcist meant: being calm, having a cool and collected heart and mind! I held on to that mandate for dear life, and you know why?"

He swallowed, then his voice finally trembled. "Because I was afraid of what would happen to us if I didn't! If I had my emotions in mind, I wouldn't be able to protect you as I was meant to do; if I had emotions in mind, I could end up awaking my own demonic powers! But then again, I was also afraid I'd render myself unable to feel a single thing... Don't you get it, Nii-san? It's... it's not that I'm angry at you: I'm angry at myself all the time because I'm _afraid_ all the time! I'm always, _always_ afraid and no matter what I do... I can't make it go away. And... and I'm afraid of losing the only family I have left... I don't want those same demonic powers to take you away from me."

Yukio lowered his arm and let the gun fall to the ground. "I'm scared of what might become of me now because of everything that I've kept bottled up within me. When I tried to give vent to it, I sensed it literally devouring me from the inside out; when I kept it at bay, it just corroded me even further. I... I don't know what to do anymore..."

Yukio fell to his knees, sobbing. Rin immediately knelt in front of him and embraced him again, still reeling and in awe of Yukio's confession. Never mind now the feelings of hate Yukio had toward him, because Rin had known that from the moment they confronted one another the first day of school; what Rin could absolutely not stand was Yukio's self-directed hate. He didn't deserve to be tortured in such a way, and Rin more than understood the vicious circle one's own emotions could get to be. Yukio had just gone through that, but for more than seven years. And seven years was a long time and a lot of pressure to deal with.

"Nii-san..."

Yukio flung his arms around Rin and desperately clung to him as if Rin were about to disappear. He was crying inconsolably, reciting a string of apologies into his Rin's shoulder. Holding his brother tightly, Rin said next to Yukio's ear the words Rin knew his little brother had been waiting to hear his entire life.

"There's nothing to be afraid of. It doesn't matter if I have to protect you and console you until the day I die, because that's why I'm your brother; it doesn't matter how many times you have to depend on me, because I'll be there." Rin took Yukio's tear-stained face into his hands and, half-smiling, he said, "And it sure as hell doesn't matter if you're weak or if you fall, because I'll be there to make you stronger and pick you up so you can keep on marching. Goddamnit, Yukio, don't do this to me- and more importantly, to yourself. You're not weak at all, Yukio; in fact, you're my strong and courageous little brother, because not too many people speak out so outwardly like you did before." Rin widened his smile before saying, "You told me Dad was the strongest Exorcist, and I think I know why that was aside from his abilities: it's because he smiled, laughed, got mad at us, got embarrassed, got confused or troubled; damn, he was a person! Don't forget you are one, too."

There was a very long pause, during which Rin held Yukio's incredulous gaze.

"And you know something else?" Yukio said eventually. A brief smile spread across his face as more tears flowed. "You remind me too much of Dad. In many ways, if not all of them, you're his spitting image. I may have said now that... that I hate you, but I'm also grateful to you for keeping his memory alive." He pressed his forehead against Rin's, a gesture that had been long forgotten. "I'm sorry; I'm sorry, Rin, please forgive me for everything I've said... I'm sorry..."

"It would've hurt even more if you'd lied to me about it," Rin replied. Once more, he hugged Yukio, who buried his face into Rin's shoulder, though this time he didn't cry. Rin then spoke with a serious tone, "Don't you dare do this again. If you have to let something out, just tell me: if you hate me, if you're mad at me or somebody else, if you have doubts- every single thing, you hear me? No more of this, Yukio; I can't lose you to your own self."

Yukio's silence was the answer Rin had expected.

They both stood soon afterwards. Yukio could barely lift his face to look up at Rin but when he did, he did so with a grateful smile, to which Rin replied with a wide supportive grin of his own. All of a sudden, Shiemi came up from behind Rin and threw her arms around Yukio's neck with so much force that she almost knocked him down. Rin watched Yukio reason and console a Shiemi that had seemed to glue herself to him.

"Shiemi-san, I'm-"

"Never again make this mess!" she blurted out, barely keeping herself in check. "I was so worried, Yuki-chan!"

When Shiemi hugged Yukio, Rin saw him simply melt and hug her back with more than just gratefulness and affection. Neither of them let go of one another, even when Suguro and the others approached the trio. Rin was glad to see that, thanks to Shiemi, Yukio had just made a dive headfirst into recovery. Not that Rin was undermining his own efforts, but he didn't have the same effect as Shiemi.

_Of course I don't. _Rin sighed, then smiled. _You don't know it yet, Four-Eyes, but I can't lose you. I won't let you destroy yourself just yet, no matter how many times you try.  
_

He'd have to hammer an undeniable truth into Yukio's head one of these days: when they were together, there truly was nothing to fear.

Not even one's inner demons.

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_A/N: And of course, since I can't help myself, a tiny bit of Yukio/Shiemi at the end. By the way, the name of the demon, the Skjálf? It's an alternative name for the Norse goddess Freya, who is the goddess of death among other things. The name Skjálf itself means 'shaker', so related to how the demon 'shook' and troubled Yukio, I thought it was a good name. The form it takes is up to the reader, but I like to think of it as a giant black panther. _

_That makes the Skjálf mine, doesn't it? At least where it concerns the 'character'? WHOO! xDDDD  
_

_Reviews are appreciated!^^  
_


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